98 Percent Of Americans Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans

From The Onion in 1998. Prescient.

Report: 98 Percent Of Americans Afraid Of 98 Percent Of Americans
JULY 22, 1998 | ISSUE 33•25

WASHINGTON, DC—An ABC News/Washington Post poll released Tuesday revealed that 98 percent of Americans live in fear of a full 98 percent of other Americans. "Between the criminal element, salesmen, religious zealots, alcoholics, minorities, immigrants, fast-driving teens, employers and panhandlers, a total of 49 in 50 Americans present a fearsome image to the vast majority of their fellow citizens," the report read. Newborn babies, the elderly and the infirm are believed to comprise the non-feared 2 percent.